Pink Swollen Balls

I got up the bed.

I feel  sick.

I really feel so sick that my stomach churns and makes wanna throw up all I ate for lunch. I looked at the windows and stared at the pink swollen ball which is slowly disappearing in the horizon. I really can’t understand why a lot of people want to stare at the setting sun. Same as the stars, why do people like to look at those constellations where they don’t even get paid. Why don’t they just ride spaceships fly thousand light years away and live there where they’ll burn and die.

Forgive me for questioning these things but these things never did fascinate me. I mean, nothing ever did fascinate me. This brings me to why I need to exist? Why should an absurd being like me exist? Why is my life meaningless?

My phone rang.

I stared at the caller ID. It’s him, it’s today. I fixed my things and got ready to leave. I left the call unanswered.

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Party on the 23rd.

I saw her.

I saw her as she waved her hands to me like those moe characters in an anime series. The shirt, that shirt was the same shirt. She was with another girl. I walked towards them.

“Hey!” She said.

“Hey.” I replied.

“Ryu, this is Suika. Suika, this is Ryu.” She said.

“Hi.” Suika said.

“Hi.” I replied.

“It’s been awhile, ne?” She said.

I nodded in reply. As if forgetting about my existence she and Suika were having this conversation about this random J pop group. They were laughing. She was laughing. I haven’t seen her laugh this way for awhile now.

“Ryu, are you listening?” She said.

“Huh?” I replied.

“Nothing. We’re here.” She said.

I entered her house. I removed my shoes and greeted her parents just like what Suika did. She signaled us to sit and she started preparing food. The smell of the food entered my system, it was heavenly. She handed me and Suika a plate each.

“Eat up! Don’t be shy.” She said. Suika and I stood up and began picking up what viand we want. A serving of beef stew and chicken later, we were back to our seats. She and Suika were engrossed in another conversation about how I resemble one of their schoolmates.

“Look. Even in holding a glass, they’re the same” Suika said.

“Yeah” She agreed.

After eating she asked us to go to her room. They continued talking and I gave some random remarks at times.

“Ringo, some more of your visitors arrived” Her mom said.

“Okay, I’ll be there in a minute” She said.

And she went down leaving me and Suika behind. This is getting awkward. We just played with her younger brother and cousin as we waited to come back. Moments later, her friends also started to go upstairs and started talking, leaving me with the toys feeling like an Alien.

“Ryu, are you okay?” She said.

“Yeah” I replied.

“I feel so haggard” She said.

“It’s okay.” I replied.

She was glistering with sweat. She look very stressed. But, I don’t even know why, she looks like an angel. An angel fighting in a war. She carefully ties her hair with an elastic as I stared at her. My heart beats faster than the normal. And I remembered what happened that fateful day.

I was on my way to the mall, where I was suppose to meet her after class, when my mom called. She told that my youngest brother was still not home and his service driver called that he can’t fetch my younger brother. Therefore, I should hurry and fetch him. I slowly put my phone down. I was mortified. I can’t tell my mom I have a date today, So I need to tell her that we can’t meet up today. Today was suppose to be our first date. Today was suppose to be our first date. I texted her. She replied. She told me not to talk to her anymore. I was lost. I didn’t know what to do. That fight lasted for days and on the 2nd week we broke up. I was really lost. I didn’t know what to do to make her forgive me. I just let her go. I don’t know how I can ask–beg her to stay. I really can’t understand why she got angry over that small stuff. I just let go.

“Do you wanna come with me?” She said.

“Yeah.” I nodded.

We were going to meet more of their friends. We meet them halfway. She ran to her boyfriend and gave him a smack. My heart stopped.Their friends were cheering. I stood at the sidelines.

When we got back her house I again stayed in her room and played with her younger brother. She was downstairs entertaining her visitor and guests. And when all her visitor left, I was still there. And there we faced the hot seat of her older cousins, intriguing us why we broke up. The hurt returned once more.I avoid the questions, pointing it to her. She was the one who decided to end things. She should know the answer, but she just shrugged.

Soon our common friend arrived. She was the reason why she insisted that I stayed.

We chatted.

We chatted about all the stuff that all of us could relate to. She was really sweet to me, at sometime she would look at me and smile, it would melt my heart. But no, all this sweetness is to directed to me, her best friend, the one who keeps her deepest, darkest secret. Her diary, the one whom she tells her misadventure s. Her Ryu, who was always there yet forever bitter.

She sends us home, walking us from her house to the highway. When we were left alone, my heart beats faster than ever. I feel her hand as it brushed against mine. And when she smiles at me, I can’t help but think of kissing her. She calls out a car for me, I looked at her, full of life. Then she smiled at me again, I really wanted to reach out and kiss her when I return back and rode the car.

Little Star

“Damn it.” I said cursing myself. I left the music sheets I was suppose to study for the play tomorrow. Argh. I’m really a forgetful person.

The school was nearly empty when I arrived. Wanting to be home sooner, I hurried to the music room. The hallway seemed to produce an eerie effect, how delicious. The music room is the last door to the left, I dashed towards the door and opened it. A girl’s body sprawled on the floor, her once sunshine blond hair surrounds her like a sad halo, her beautiful face contorted to a terrifying mess, the crimson substance covered the entire room. It’s metallic smell was clouding my thoughts. I scanned the room, then I saw those devilish red eyes.

I ran.

Whoever owns those red eyes is now after me. He’s gonna get rid of me. My dull 12 years of existence shall end now. I tried to look back but I saw nothing. I frantically search for my apartment keys, after 5 agonizing seconds, I found them. This now look like some cliché horror movie and I’m one stupid heroine who’s bound to die. Successfully, I opened the door.

“Welcome home, Hana”

I froze. I live alone.

I woke up disoriented, the feeling you have when you wake up after dreaming of falling down. Maybe I dreamt of jumping a 40-storey building or maybe I fell from a helicopter. Who knows? My head really hurts, argh. Will I go to school?

After a mental tug-of-war, I decided to go to school because we might have a quiz on Calculus. Groggily, I got up and fixed my bed, well all those daily stuff. I won’t go in to details of my morning routine, it’ll just bore you to death.

When I arrived at school, I was greeted by my club mates, well club mates because they’re not my friend. I don’t like having humans around me, they’re annoying.

“Miss Snowe wants you to put this to the old storage room.”

I gave them a polite nod, Irene Guarmant and Genevieve Roland. Irene is the student council president and Gen is her vice, well the duo implemented some rules and some stuff like that. I dunno how they got my name, perhaps in the records, but I don’t really care. Nobody cares about me, and that’s the way I like it. But no, I am not being bullied. Those music sheet were really my duty but since I always tend to forget things, I failed to put back those to the storage room.

My phone vibrated.

I took the call.

“Good morning Miss Hana.”

“Good Morning Arthur”

“Your father wants to greet you, Happy Birthday”

“Yea, Thank you. Bye.”

I ended the phone call. If you’re wondering who the heck Arthur is, well he is my Dad’s Butler. Yes, my dad doesn’t care about me and no, I am not exaggerating. I have lived practically my whole life without him. I lived in his mansion the first eight years of my existence, though I never got to see him in person, or dined with him, then I moved in a deserted apartment in the outskirts of Tokyo. I hate living in a big house with all those annoying and careless maids running after me so I decided, at the age of 8, to asked Arthur to find me a small and quiet place to stay where nobody knows my father and I can live on my own. And Arthur didn’t fail me. From England, I now live in Tokyo since my mom is a pureblooded Japanese. So much for the story of my life, I need to get to the storage room before the class starts.

The old storage room seems to be really unused, it already have layers of dust and the ceiling is inhabited by many spiders. I wonder if some are poisonous. This room gives off an aura that would make you want to run away and lock the room forever. But I may be really weird because I love it’s eerie silence and dark aura. Before I knew it I was doing my favorite hobby, imagining my death scene, someone would strangle me. I felt the rough chain against my pale skin, it’s cold and chilly feel gives me pleasure, the erotic pleasure you might feel in making love.

A sudden clatter broke my reverie. I placed the music sheets down, and saw a little pendant. It’s shaped like a little star with a black ring around it. The chain has already changed its color, from gold to something blackish and brownish. It reminded me of the song to maids used to sing, twinkle, twinkle little star. The I guess it belongs to me now. As they say, finder keepers, losers weepers. I slid it to my pocket and left.

Being a wallflower nobody care if I go to my classes or what, so I skipped classes. Being in groups give me creeps, chattering ’bout what other people is biggest problem in this world we live in. People can’t seem to find faults in themselves. I stayed at the rooftop for the time being and read H. P Lovecraft’s The Lurking Fear. Macabre writing always fascinates me.

When I went down, alot of the student body were mobbing Irene and Gem, looks like Irene gets confessed on again. Well, I don’t care, atleast I can walk home alone and do my hobby. What would be a pretty way to die? Maybe I can die like Arthur in the story, my face chewed off. Out of nowhere, I felt that someone has been following me, and as I looked back, I found myself staring into a pair of deep blue eyes.

“Hi! I’m Elric, uhmmm, this might be a surprise but I really like you Hana. I like the way you tie your hair when it’s hot, I like it when you cheer you at the sight of sweets.” He said, coming out of nowhere. Is this how humans confess this days? It’s so mediocre. I recalled his name, he’s a transfer student from some unknown province. He has that cute and adorable aura that makes him a school heartthrob. What the hell do he need from me?

Then, he gave me that shy boyish smile. I can’t help but smile too. This boy is funny. I gave him a tight nod. Maybe having company can work for awhile. As famous saying goes, no man is an island. And well, it’s my birthday.

I parked my bicycle and went in. No, I would not invite him inside my apartment, boys should always wait outside a lady’s house. I picked what was on tap in my closet. I don’t buy my own clothes, Arthur comes from England every two months to deliver new clothes and shoes to me. Not that I need a new wardrobe, but more of compulsion of maintaining my respectability. I changed and looked at myself at the mirror. I’m a splitting image of my mother, her long black straight, her milky white complexion and her sonorous black eyes. How I wish she’s still alive, she would brush my hair and say that boys shouldn’t be trusted, or so says the novel I’ve read. I’ve never experienced a Mother’s love, guess I never really experienced any love at all.

After I changed, I went outside to meet him. He was still at the same place where I left him.

“You look very pretty in that dress” Elric said while blushing.

“Let’s go” I said nonchalantly, I really hate complements. People who do that often lies just to please someone. Trying hard to battle with human’s mindset of criticizing others. And most of all they’re annoying.

Elric brought me to a park and asked a great deal about me. He really listens to what I say and shortly after that, he started to tell his life story. He was a farmer’s son who was greatly indebted to their landlord, to pay their debts he was offered in lieu. He told me that his okay with it, though I see the sadness in his eyes. How peculiar, why do humans do that? Lying to themselves of what they really feel. Even though he was given away he struggled and studied hard to ace his subject and gain scholarship here in Tokyo. He was grateful of their landlord because he allowed him to study here in Tokyo, while managing a small company his landlord asked him to manage. As I look into him, his eyes now are full of trust and confidence. It seems like he have learned to love his current life.

“What would you like, mango or strawberry?” Elric asked when an ice cream vendor suddenly passed.

“Strawberry” I said. Then Elric ran to the vendor and brought two cones of ice cream. “How about you Hana, what’s your story?” he said as he handed the Ice cream to me.

“It’s better that you don’t know.” I replied.

He suddenly felt sorry and was apologizing while I just nodded as he talks about other things. I wasn’t in the conversation anymore. I was absorbed with thinking how lovely would it be to die in a park. All those flowers stained with red, my body surrounded by the falling cherry blossoms and the once white dress turned into crimson. How delightful would that be.

“I really enjoyed this day!” Elric said beaming like a 3 year-old child, I nodded. I really don’t know what made him happy, we just ate ice cream. Well, I am happy, happy thinking of different ways to die surrounded by nature’s beauty.

Now, I need to study my piano pieces.

Oh shit, me and my forgetfulness. I left my keyboard at school. Now I have to run and catch the 6 pm closing of the gates. Not even bothering to change, I grabbed the music room keys and rushed to school. Good thing I live near the school grounds. I ran the corridors to the music room. Ugh! Why does it has to be the last room? When I arrived someone was already there.

“Elric, what are you doing here?” I said as I place my keyboard in the case.

“Nothing, your keyboard, I guess”

“Yes, I left it.” And I felt a excruciating pain at my sides.

“Sorry Hana, your dad has a lot of enemies.”

This is not one of the death scene I imagined, Elric left the room I fell into the ground. The stars that I decorated in the music room was the last thing I saw. And I became as cold as the moon-star necklace. Twinkle, twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are?